The Dancing Ladies

And you believed me

2009-08-01T16:54:04Z

Hey guys,

So according to the loading page when I sign on, it's been seven weeks since I posted that I was going to try to post more about the old intern adventures.

Obviously this did not happen and probably won't. I don't quite know why, but writing on this thing just isn't part of my habits anymore. I'm going to keep it around for times such as these, when the mood hits and I have some time. But no more promises or statements or even whispers about regular posting.

Mostly, I'm writing now because I'm back on the diet and exercise wagon and I'm waiting around for noon to happen so that eating can occur. Trust me, being overly regimented is the /only/ way I lose weight. Things have been going well at the hospital. The VA is VAtastic! It's a nice mix of really sick guys and really not sick guys and those ones in between. My attending is kind of like if you take all the good qualities of Flanders and made them into an actual person. Right down to the mustache and the wardrobe. Only he's not really as annoying as that because he's not a cartoon character.

I'm feeling pretty damn comfortable in my skin at the moment. Sure there are O.o moments, such as when attendings actually ask me what /I/ want to do for the patient. I always want to go "How am I supposed to know? I've only been at this for five weeks!", but instead I scramble around and say something, usually followed by "but I don't know". It's been working out so far. But apparently I am so comfortable as an intern, that attendings on the floor actually forget that I'm an intern on occasion. Which is pretty damn cool.

I have my first non-training call a week from today and I pretty much want to vomit at the idea. Sure, I think I know how to do gamut of stuff I was exposed to on training call. However, the whole point of call is that pretty much anything can occur and I have to handle it, whether I know what to do or not. Sure, I am heartily encouraged, and by that I mean straight out told, to call any one of my fellow residents with questions. But I don't want to do that for every little thing. And for those things that I do end up calling about, there will always be the moments of panic before the answer. Yes, I'm being over dramatic, but that's really how the anxiety goes. Like how when I'm on call, no matter how not busy it is, I can't sleep. I'm too activated and worried so I toss and turn. The one good thing about doing solo call is that I don't have to worry about waking anyone up with my insomnia shenanigans.

None of this is to say I don't like my job. It's just still really daunting and probably will be for the foreseeable future. Woot.

The other day, I admitted a patient who has the same birthday as me, right down to the year. It was kind of a surreal moment, realizing that. Kind of gave me the willies. Maybe I'm just a wimp.

So that's pretty much my life. Work, exercising, reading, occasional goings out with el Jefe and watching really bad tv. I'm trying to cut down on that last one, but cable has so many rot-your-brain options. And after work it feels so good to do the rot. But that's a bad impulse I will quelch. Oh yes yes, I will. Oh and VNV nation was probably the best show ever. Just fantastic.

I'm not entirely satisfied with the tone of this post. Way too resigned. Maybe it's because I decided today would be a good day to finally watch The Bicycle Thief. Oh well, what are you going to do? Apparently, that's my mood at the moment.

Well I hope everyone is doing well and having the most lovely of Saturdays. I'll talk to you all later.

Love
Kate

Orientation

2009-06-13T12:29:48Z

Last night, I went to the first coworker party of my residency. And they played Peaches.

I win!

*loves*

In Which Things Happen

2009-06-11T14:16:22Z

Hiya!

Today is the last day of my vacation before finally becoming a truly functioning member of society. With a paycheck and everything! Well, that's not entirely true as I have a week and change orientation to two hospitals I've been at for the four years. I'm hoping that there will be a lot of new information and nuances that I didn't need to know as a medical student but I will need as a doctor. However, after seeing that there is a full day simply to learn how to use the computer system, I'm not holding out a ton of hope. Oh and I'm probably going to not get that first paycheck until August. Wewt!

Here's a quick rundown of all the shenanigans I've been up to since we last spoke:

-New Orleans was /amazing/. I'm really glad I went now, rather than in the height of my full goth-kid-ness, because it wasn't nearly as gothy as I had anticipated. Maybe if Anne Rice still lived there. :) But the music and the food and the atmosphere were all incredible. Beignets will be the food that I am served after I die if I am a very good girl. The music was absolutely outstanding. Jeff and I went out to this bar really far away from the Quarter and saw some of the most amazing jazz I have ever heard in my life. I just loved how the music was everywhere and 99% fantastic. We hit up Bourbon St and were a little disappointed about how frat party it turned out to be, but this did not preclude us getting intoxicated. We got taken around Lafayette Cemetery by one of the gravediggers who was pretty damn hilarious and very knowledgeable. I was one of the few people in the makeshift tour group who laughed at his pretty disturbing jokes. Cause I love gallows humor. We also found Pirate's Alley, so pictures were taken with Jeff under the sign. I also realized that someday I can retire and actually become a travel writer like I've always wanted because I'm with someone who eats food with ingredients. So yes, to sum up, New Orleans was fantastic and I would definitely hit that up again.

-Next up, I learned how to Save Lives! Really, I got recertified in CPR and learned advanced cardio life support. It didn't turn out to be nearly as painful as I thought it would be and I actually feel like I learned a thing. It would probably all go out of my head in my first actual emergency/panic situation, but there you go.

Fun Fact: When a patient flatlines on the tv and they use the paddles on him/her, that is totally 100% wrong. The name for the paddles is the de-fibrillator. Fibrillation is when the heart isn't beating in a coordinated fashion but just kind of sitting there quivering. The point of the de-fibrillator is to shock the heart out of its quivering and into a coordinated rhythm. But if the heart isn't doing anything, ie flatlining, ie asystole, ie dead, shocking them isn't going to do anything for the patient. You just continue CPR and give epinephrine and atropine and hope the heart comes back. But that isn't nearly as dramatic for tv.

-I went to visit Ms. Megan Devenport because I haven't been to Carbondale in a very long time. And, of course, it was a lovely time. There were many hangouts at the fabulous PKs and even a trip to the mall to purchase $5 hot topic shirts. I joined her burgeoning political movement and tacked on my own platform. Ask me how you can join the CFIC today! She also introduced me to the happiest place on earth, the City Museum in St. Louis. I ran, I jumped, I climbed things. I instantly became a seven year old. It was wonderful.

-The next week, I helped Mme Roach sew, and sew and sew for this year's Chikalb. Actually, I cut and cut and cut. But it was a good time and i was really glad to help her out. I found out that I will be in psych first rather than internal medicine which was pretty disappointing. I wanted to get internal medicine out of the way and use it to ramp up to being teh awesome roxxors intern by basically getting all the kinks worked out on something I don't care as much about. But alas, this was not meant to be. I actually got really upset about it at the time, but it's ok now. It just poked at underlying fears of what I'm going to be doing in all the wrong ways.

-Chikalb was awesome, as usual. I got to be hella creepy playing a plotish point, which was pretty damn fun. And of course there was awesome suckerhanging and eating and carousing. So a good time was had by me.

-I went to see Gogol Bordello and Man Man with a very choice group of friends and managed to get traumatized. See, we got there early to hug the rail, as is the custom, and found ourselves not in the middle of exuberant dancing and jumping as was expected but in a full on mosh pit pile of flying elbows. Jeff, with his high center of gravity, almost got washed away by the crowd and I got jacked in face. Literally, right in the chin. Although the music was incredible, after a burst of rage in response to getting jacked in the face, we had to retreat to the balcony where the acoustics were crap. So I'm dubbing it the worst concert I've been too, which makes me really, really sad.

-I sat around my house and played a ton of WoW. Yes, I am probably not going to be able to make it to 80 by tomorrow like my original plan, but I'm kind of glad I had some other stuff to do.

-Last Friday, while sitting around my house playing WoW and cleaning, I get a voicemail from Jeff that goes like this: "Hey Kate. So I was listening to Q101 and they said that that guy Maynard who's voice you like so much is going to be a the Lincoln Park Whole Foods signing bottles of his wine today." What?! After decided it wasn't a stupid idea, I ran right out and went. It was a lot of fun and I'm glad I did it. I made some most excellent line friends and had one of those times where one feels fantastically witty and fabulous when interacting with a group of people. And I got two bottles of wine and met Maynard James Keenan. *sigh* If that man's voice were a person, I would marry it. In person, what I couldn't get over were the guys eyes. They were unbelievably pretty with this deep chocolate brown color. He's a really small guy too with a very angular face, which all the more highlighted the eyes. So yea, that was fun.

-Due to the wonderful generosity of my parents and grandparents, I have an amazing pile of psychiatry books. Right around graduation, I met with my fellow intern for psychawesome, Brian, and an almost-attending. We asked him general psychawesome questions then asked him for book recommendations. It was so wonderful. I got unbelievably charged up for finally doing, after how many years, what I set out to do. I realized that I am exactly where I want to be, which is a pretty awesome feeling. For all of my discontents, it was totally worth it. Particularly because my psychopharmocology book features a picture of a neuron stabbing itself. Yes! (And now I will get struck by lightening cause I actually typed that all out. Stupid universe)

-I went to Julie Daigle and Matt McMillian's day of holy matrimony: the Sequel! It was a lovely time and I am really so happy for them, even if it is weird for me to think of any of my old college friends as having husbands and wives and the what not. Probably as weird as it is for anyone to think of me as a doctor.

-I know a lot of you have probably seen it already, but I have to share. This is the best thing /ever/.

I think that's it. I'm going to try to be good and post of all the intern-ing once things actually happen. However, I am completely prepared to flake out once the actual torrent of working occurs. We'll see.

*loves*

WTFSKDOAUWBBQ@!OSMEPQ!

2009-05-08T21:40:28Z

That's right.

It's Dr. Dickson now.

Weird.

Movin' On Up!

2009-04-16T23:18:24Z

I found out today that if you search for me in the UIC phonebook, it now lists me as a psych resident instead of a medical student.

That's kind of awesome. Particularly in a week that has been dominated by financial and housing issues (both appear to be resolved to something manageable but as always I steel myself for more disasters on the horizon)

So yea, pretty happy/amused right now.

Gogol Bordello and Man Man! Gogol Bordello and Man Man!

2009-04-04T15:32:22Z

Guys!

Gogol Bordello and Man Man are playing in Chicago May 31st! Yes, I know it's a Sunday. Yes, we'll all be worn out as hell from Chikalb with no monies.

But...but...Gogol Bordello and Man Man!

http://congresschicago.frontgatetickets.com/choose.php?a=1&lid=30926&eid=36952&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=facebook_flyers&utm_content=facebook_flyers_gogol&utm_campaign=2009

AHHHH

Movie Recommendation!

2009-03-29T01:52:17Z

Everyone, and I mean everyone, should go out and rent Man on Wire.

In addition to just being a fascinating film, it also makes one just plain excited for life. The goal isn't to do what Philippe Petit did, but to feel how he felt about doing it. Just wonderful.

That is all.

And we have come to the end...

2009-03-19T19:26:56Z

And I'm staying in Chicago!

Yup, that's right. Me and UIC are going to be chilling out for another four years. I could not be happier or more relieved. Not that the other programs were bad, just this one is the best fit for me.

Congrats to all the class of 2009.

This is kind of weird. And kind of awesome.

*loves*

The Head Shrinker is Me!

2009-03-16T18:39:35Z

I matched! Wahoo!

Yes, I will not know *where* I matched until Thursday, but just knowing I will be at a psychiatry residency program somewhere is an immense load off of my mind.

So I will definitely be a psychiatrist now.

That is kind of amazing.

It's kind of like having a present I can't open til Thursday. A shiny present wrapped in Sigmund Freud wrapping paper.

Whee!

Stayed tuned Thursday evening for the thrilling conclusion!

In lieu of beads

2009-02-24T14:55:45Z

I'm going to tell you right now that this is a post solely because WoW is under maintenance.

See, I had it all figured out. I have these three days off due to the wonder that is my ER rotation. Originally, I planned on being stressed out because I have two "brief" papers due on Friday and a 10 min presentation on toxic shock syndrome on Thursday. But yesterday the ER was slow again and I managed to get one paper done on top of the presentation I wrote over the weekend. So I was going to take this morning before my eye doctor appointment to be all kinds of WoW gluttonous and then working on my paper at the Pig this afternoon.

And there is no WoW until the exact time I am supposed to be looking at a bunch of letters and squinting...alot, and hoping that there is some way I can wear contacts again. *sigh* This means I have to be *responsible* with my free time and practice my presentation and edit my paper and work out. But, as you can see, I am putting it off.

And so, we have come around to my second favorite holiday. Happy Mardi Gras, everyone! I'm a little mad at the cosmos right now because I have the three days around Mardi Gras off. I didn't know I was going to have these three days off until Tuesday of last week, precluding making any plans to be wholly irresponsible and go somewhere. I could have gone somewhere by myself, but I think that skirts past irresponsible and into trouble. It also just wouldn't be the same without one Ms. Megan Devenport. I'm just hoping that El Jeffe will not be too tired after work tonight so that I can get me a martini.

In a post script to my last post, I will *not* be giving up WoW for lent. Hi, my name is Kate and I am an addict. Some other ideas are swirling around my head. I do feel mentally and physically bloated right now and in need of a good detox. It's just so hard. Days like these I really wish I just could get myself to like vegetables.

In other news, my rank order list of residency programs has been certified and is all in. The big day is March 19th, which is only 24 days away. Eeeep. I've been doing a lot of worrying about it and next year lately. Maybe that's what I should give up for lent, worrying. It's a thought but how would one even begin to do that?

But now, I'm going to do the album thing. Because here is a meme that even in my old age, I can get behind. It also employs the word "wasu" which I have to wholly endorse. These are in the order which they come into my head.

Think of 15-30 albums, CDs, LPs that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life. Dug into your soul. Music that brought you to life when you heard it. Royally affected you, kicked you in the wasu, literally socked you in the gut, is what I mean. Then when you finish, tag 15 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good. Tag, you're it! >:)

1. Tori Amos-Under the Pink
2. Tool-Aenima
3. Radiohead-OK Computer
4. VAST-Visual Audio Sensory Theater
5. David Bowie-Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars
6. Joni Mitchell-Court and Spark
7. Beatles-Help
8. Tom Petty-Full Moon Fever
9. Outkast-The Love Below/Speakerboxxx
10. Rasputina-Thanks for the Ether
11. Nine Inch Nails-The Downward Spiral
12. Alice In Chains-Dirt
13. Pearl Jam-Ten
14. Nina Simone-I Put A Spell On You
15. John Lee Hooker-Greatest Hits
16. Tom Waits-Mule Variations
17. Bjork-Post
18. PJ Harvey-Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea
19. Ben Harper-Welcome to the Cruel World
20. Interpol-Turn on the Bright Lights
21. Depeche Mode-Songs of the Faith and Devotion
22. Various-Kicks Joy Darkness
23. The Crow Soundtrack
24. Kronos Quartet-Requiem For A Dream soundtrack
25. The Cure-Disintegration
26. Various-Songs to Wake the Dead

I think I'm going to stop it there. I like how this list is of albums that influenced you. Cause a lot of these aren't my favorite of that artist and a lot I haven't listened to in years, but I picked albums I can distinctly remember having a big effect on me. Like albums that I friggin broke. I really haven't had an album hit me like that since college. I would like to say that it's because music isn't as good anymore, but really I think it's because I'm just not as easily influenced. Like I can't get that level of excitement over a record. I just get more excited over Kluver-Bucy Syndrome. I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing.

Alright, time to make the donuts.

As my life is in a holding pattern right now...

2009-02-15T14:18:39Z

I'm thinking of giving up WoW for Lent next week. I have been playing a ton, pretty much at least an hour everyday. I know, I know, that's nothing. But it's a big deal to me since I used to never play any video games at all. So as it is my current obsession, it makes sense to cut that for Lent. I always try to give up something, more for detox purposes than religious, and I think I've only succeeded once. We'll see.

As I am in the mood for self-punishment, I am also trying to read The Sound and the Fury. I figure understanding Faulkner is in the same difficulty bracket as learning Swahili, yes?

I start ER on Monday at my beloved VA. I really hope it's cool. I like the idea of ER but know I don't have the stones for it. As such, I really want a good experience. With doing some stuff. That would be nice.

PS: I finally had a Valentine's Day that trumps sitting around with Drew, eating gummy worms and drinking malt beverages while watching Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Squee!

It might be about time to learn that Swahili

2009-02-02T20:20:42Z

Or Dear God, Is 4th Year Over Yet?

I have achieved all new levels of uselessness, folks. Today, I started my blitz of two-week required specialty rotations with anesthesia. This will be followed by ER, Radiology, Orthopedics, Ear/Nose/Throat, Opthalmology and Dermatology which will bring me right up to graduation. The only one of these that I am remotely interested in is ER, for both long term career plans and just plain old morbid curiosity. It was already going to be a long couple of months.

I get to anesthesia today and am told that it's a very relaxed setting. This is good, I like relaxed when I am uninvested. However, relaxed apparently means no work. My resident told me that he knows I have no interest in anesthesia, based on my doing the rotation so late in the year, so I should merely check back into the OR every once in a while and then let him know when I want to leave. I can watch then do some intubations and IV lines, but that's about the sum total of my participation.

Today, I left with the other two med students at 11:30am. There was supposed to be a lecture at 2pm, so I hung around school, got my reading done for my test on Friday and worked out. I then found out that the lecture was cancelled.

Really? First, a steady stream of med refill appointments and now just the complete absence of work? It has just been a parade of mind-numbing drugery for the past two months and I don't see any end in sight. Hence the need for a really difficult hobby. My mind feels like it's forming mush as we speak.

The worst part is that in 6 months, my life will be a special form of busy hell. I wish medical education weren't so much the "Oh my god, so busy I can't breath" or "not doing anything at all". I haven't had too terribly many rotations that have had the right amount of busy-ness for me.

*sigh* I really shouldn't complain and I totally understand if my more taxed-by-life brethren want to kick my ass. But don't you fret, my pets, I'll get mine in July.

PS: This weekend was *awesome*. Some of the best suckerhanging/gaming/afters/moviebrunching/footballwatching that I have ever had. Hearts to all.

Time! Is Marching On!

2009-01-06T02:20:34Z

I am posting an entry merely to show off one of my birthday presents.

OMG Tyler is the awesome! I now have a bona fide proud-of-myself icon. Sweet ass.

So yea, turned 27 yesterday. It's a weird age in that I associate it with my sisters, rather than myself. Yes, I is an old lady, a sentiment which of course will get me beat down by several choice people.

I just want to marvel a bit on how great my friends are. I got so much love and goodness for my birthday, not to mention several actual presents that literally leaped out of my desires and into my hands. It was a little amazing the amount of mindmeld going on.

Anyway, again, this is a post merely to show off the icon. I didn't want to wait for the appropriate time at all.

Thanks everybody.

Maybe a bright sandy beach is gonna bring you back

2008-12-31T15:56:36Z

Dude, guys? It's almost 2009. That's frickin' wierd.

See, 2009 has always been just this nebulous year far in the future. Put on a million forms under the "when do you expect to graduate" spot. And now it's almost here. A real thing. And it's creeping me out.

In 78 days, I find out where I match (on my nieces' fifth birthday no less). In 128 days, I graduate and have a frickin' M.D. attached to my name. In 182 days-ish, I start residency.

What? How? When did this happen? Somewhere in all that working and goofing off and complaining, time passed and I'm literally almost done with this crap. I am both ready and pee-my-pants terrified. Gah.

Also, there is the little problem that 2009 may just be The Year Without Psych. See, I have only bs required rotations left to do for med school. And any program I get into for residency requires months of internal medicine purgatory. My top two have a semester of internal medicine/semester of psych and you more or less pick which you do first. My plan has always been to get purgatory out of the way first. But that will mean that I won't have any psychiatry until 2010. Or at least no direct psych, because all patients are psych patients in some way. It's just gonna probably be the suck for an entire calendar year. One of my new year's resolutions is to keep the Anger Toast to a minimum.

Anywho, it's that time again. Time for Kate's Personal Favorites of 2008! Aren't you excited? I had to omit some categories this year. Like I didn't read enough comic book series to have a favorite. And there weren't any textbooks good enough for the textbook category. So yea, here it is!

Best Movie Seen in the Theater: The Dark Knight!!!!!! Fangirl squee!

Best Movie Seen on DVD/Video: The Amateurs. Not some great work of cinema, but one of the best times.

Best Free-Reading Book: Sin and the Second City by Karen Abbott. I just noticed that the three years I've been doing this, only nonfiction books have won this title. My mother would be proud

Best Erotica: Smut Vol. 1 from the editors of Nerve.com

Best Graphic Novel: Comic Book Tattoo by Various Peoples. Fangirl squee!

Best Album: Third by Portishead

Best New Band: Emilie Autumn

Best Song: "I Want My Innocence Back" by Emilie Autumn

Best New Food: Any one of the fabulous shrimp thingies Alia (not Federow, actually pronounced differently) has made. I <3 my shrimps.

Best New Place: Kit Kat Lounge or a hotel by the Cleveland airport

Best TV show: Supernatural! Fangirl squee!

Best Teacher: Dr. Joseph Yount, PTSD clinic. Seriously, I wanna be this guy when I grow up.

Best Factoid: That in Minnesota, it is illegal for four women to leave in an house/apartment together with alcohol. Because that is a brothel. Just learned that from my sister over Christmas. And oh, is it hilarious.

Best Class: PTSD clinic. You want anything done awesome, you have to do it yourself.

And there you have it. A lot has gone on this year that deserves reflection, but we all know my feelings about that noise. I will say this, though. Paul Newman was one of my most favorite actors of all time and I never, ever thought of him as an old man. He will be very much missed by me.

Now it's time to get these holidays over so I can get back to work. All this meaningless goofing off is officially rotting my brain. As evidenced by my sister's musical taste getting seeping into my daily life.

Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

2008-12-21T22:12:58Z

I have successfully made a big honkin' piece of meat!

With a meat thermometer and everything!

And it's good! And not over or undercooked!

I am Awesome!

(Jeff's note: She can't stop using exclamation points! Help!)

And my priest says...

2008-12-16T04:57:15Z

Have you ever had one of those days where you're just a big old ball of girlie stuff, saying "Hey! You there! You've got ovaries!"? Well, my last couple of hours have been like that. Let's just say, I've got me an odd life sometimes. It's good to know, even after nine months of saying random shit, I can still catch Jeff completely off guard.

Anywho, after that rather obtuse introduction, I will get to the real meat of this post. As some of you may or may not know, this February or March, I am dying my hair red. Oh yes, yes I am. It is something I have wanted to do since I was 10 and first saw the video for "Silent All These Years". At first, this desire was thwarted by my mother insisting I have red hair (don't ask) and then by my own paranoia of bad dye jobs. But no! Now I'm going to go for it. After my interviews are over, of course, as the paranoia is still there.

So the question becomes, what color red should I get? I don't want to get a color that will clash with myself, if that makes any sense. I also want something dramatic, definitely red, but still natural and professional looking. No Run, Lola, Run for me, thanks.

I was wondering if I could poll you guys on two shades that I like on whether or not you guys think they would work for me. The first is from Tori Amos again, but from a later video that's a little less crayola crayon. The second is Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge. I'm leaning towards the first because it is lighter and will be more dramatic. Yes. So please, if you have a minute between now and March, take a look, ponder and let me know what you think.

Thanks so much guys! You are all the best.

<3 <3 <3

Dangers of the Internets

2008-11-25T13:28:46Z

So, due to paranoia of the internets, I've decided to make The Trail of Psychawesome friends only. If you are one of my friends who does not do the LJ thing and really want to hear about this for some wierd reason, leave me a comment and I will send you emails of my musings.

Have a great day everyone!

FTW!

2008-11-19T05:17:24Z

I have officially conquered Huge Fuck All Test: The Sequel!

Hurray for passing with yet another fabulous margin!

Graduation is so close I can taste it. Just one more thing on the to-do list to get on with my life successfully crossed off.

Yay yay yay yay!

Full of Yays!

2008-10-31T16:47:57Z

It's Halloween!

I'm done with my test! (for the time being, fingers crossed)

I managed to have a doctor's appointment that didn't take three hours to do!

I have all sorts of packing and printing of materials done and it's not even noon.

Tonight, I'm gonna get myself inebriated

OMG BRUCE CAMPBELL! Make sure you read the text next to the trailer. Nov. 28th, here I come.

And in case you didn't know, I am that girl.

Life is good!

Finally!

2008-10-28T21:57:37Z

Finally got my interview to UIC! Hurray!

I am so excited!

And relieved!

I heart closure!

Before Questions for the Day

2008-10-26T13:42:09Z

Man, so this entire process of Huge Fuck All Test: The Sequel has been marred with an unrelenting case of the dontwannas. The original Huge Fuck All Test had two things going for it. First, it was the first and therefore the scariest. It could tank my future and all that jazz. Second, I was still in study mode from the first two years of book learning medical school. The Sequel? Well the sequel I just need to pass since I did so well on the first one, and that's killing my work ethic a little bit here. Also, I've been in the wards for the past 15 months and no longer have the taste for the straight studying. I much prefer looking things up on the fly and absorbing information through the patients I see. So I don't wanna, don't wanna, don't wanna, don't wanna.
These feelings are compounded by the fact that i am terrified of screwing the damn thing up. That all this dontwannaing is going to lead to me failing and having to retake the damn thing and maybe not getting the residency I want. Gak, you'd think this paranoia would be enough to stop the dontwannas, but you would be wrong. Oh so wrong. So really, I'm in a constant state of terror and apathy. It's great! You should all try it sometime!
In addition, this past week, I've also had the shocking realization that I want nice things. I'm tired for being broke. I'm tired of feeling like I look like crap and that my house, though in a nicer apartment, still feels like college. This thought process scares the crap out of me. Nice things are a slippery slope to evil, my friends. First you start wanting nice things, then you're giving up your principles to get them and the next thing you know, all the patients you're treating are rich bitches from the gold coast. There's nothing wrong with treating those patients, they need doctors too (albeit not as much, but I won't go into the statistics about the disparity in pure incidence of disease between the rich and the poor), but that is not what I want my career to be. The question becomes how can you be an awesome doctor, treating the broke (emotionally and financially) vets and domestic violence/child abuse/rape survivors of the world and in general making the world a tiny bit better one person at a time, not have to do research and still have some monay's for some nice stuff? I've never thought it could be done for real and hence tried to keep my desires for stuff to a minimum. If this wanting shit streak continues, I'm going to have to find a way and i hope that you all, my trusty friends will keep me honest and will smack me upside the head should I start going down the road to pure, capitalist evil. Man, this wanting stuff is rankling my socialist-anarchist leanings.
Case in point, yesterday i had the most lovely afternoon with one Ms. Sarah Belcarz (accompanied by one Mr. Christopher Frye) at the Oakbrook Mall buying really expensive, but really really nice, make up so that I can look all professional at my interviews (a week from today I'm flying to Atlanta. Are you frickin kidding me?!). I was a girl! And my advice for the looking pretty--get thee to the Bare Minerals! I have never, never found make up that works for me, hence all I use is eye shadow and lipgloss under duress and never on a regular basis. But no! They had stuff that matches the deathly pallor! It is awesome! Anyway, infomercial over.
Jesus, it's already 8:40? Crap. Time to make the donuts. See you guys around.

5 days til I'm done withe HFAT:TS! 6 days til the most wonderful day of the year!

From my dad

2008-10-21T15:58:53Z

My house has turned into a little insane asylum for ardent Obama supporters. My parents, after having read the Tribune since we moved here, canceled their subscription due to it's overly pro-McCain stance and started getting the New York Times. CNN and MSNBC are on the television constantly. My parents even walked out of church when the priest during the sermon said we should all vote for McCain. They've been giving small sums of money to the campaign, basically every time they get nervous about it. And my baby brother, in addition to having the first post on his blog (he has a blog! That is so adorable) be a statement of support for Obama and a warning that those who don't like Obama should not read the blog, apparently watches the news every morning before going off to be a normal (somewhat) 6th grader. Yea, it's all slightly, fantastically nuts.
Anyway, my dad spends the large majority of his free time checking for more pro-Obama/anti-McCain things on the internet. And he found this little gem on The Onion, which I felt the need to send to you. Enjoy!

John McCain Accidentally Left On Campaign Bus Overnight

timefornewtoys @ 2008-10-18T17:20:00

2008-10-18T23:02:08Z

So it's been a week.
I've been studying for HFAT:The Sequel and have not been having the smoothest go about it. I took the practice test from the people who make the test (National Board of Medical Examiners) and got a respectable score. Since I rocked out on HFAT, I only have to pass this sucker, which is supposedly easier. Then I started to do practice questions from a commercial company. And lordy, do I suck. I'm consistently getting just shy of where I need to be. My main reasons for getting shit wrong are overthinking/changing answers, not knowing what the hell they're asking and blatantly disagreeing with the question. Like the one that pretty much described PTSD (complete with appropriate time interval) and then proceeded to tell me that it was adjustment disorder for completely bullshit reasons. Gah. I was floundering in my mode of studying as well, leading to a peak of stressed-out-ness on Wednesday afternoon when I called my sister Liz in a panic. She directed me to more interactive study materials so while I'm still having issues with the practice questions, I feel like things are looking slightly up. Liz said the the commercial practice questions are worse than the actual test anyway and I just need to pass. So there's that then.

I went to an interview workshop on Tuesday that managed to turned my nebulous dread into focused worry. Who knows if this is a good or bad thing. Really, I just need to get all this shit done. February is going to be the roxxors. No more HFATs, no more interviews, only bullshit required specialties left for rotations that I fully plan to phone in. oh it will be beautiful.

I still don't have my interview for UIC and I'm getting more frustrated by the minute. These people know me, they know I am the queen of psychawesome, they know that I am very genial and a hardworker. I know others don't have theirs either, so I'm not too worried about not getting one (knock on wood and cross myself) but that doesn't make it any less nerve wracking. Or awkward when I run into the residency training director who knows me by first name and have to resist the urge to shake him by the lapels and say "gimme, gimme, gimme".

In good news, Liz came into town and we experienced a shopping miracle. We were able to find me a suit that did not have to be altered and was neither frumpy nor fugly at the first store! Trust me, this is frickin' huge. Sarah-I'm sorry we did not go with you, but my mom insisted. Would you want to help me find shoes and maybe some makeup? It was really good to hang out with her, as she is going through a rather intense life change at the moment and seems to be doing well despite it all. We even found her an empowerment ornament and truffles. Oh yes, we were girls.

In other good news, the residency training director of University of Colorado called me to ask what my interests are, so that I might be paired with the appropriate faculty/resident, as I am a student they are very interested in. Sure, he might tell this to all the girls, but see, UIC, all the programs want me, so if you want this date to the prom, you better step up and ask.

It's all pretty damn exciting and terrifying. I'm pretty scattered at the moment, as is probably to be expected.

And just because it appears I have run out of things to say, here is my current interview schedule:
Nov. 3rd-Emory University in Atlanta
Nov. 6th-University of Colorado
Nov. 10th-University of Wisconsin Madison
Nov. 17th-Medical College of Wisconsin in Milwaukee
Dec. 1st-Wash U. in St. Louis
Dec. 19th-LSU in New Orleans
Jan. 16th-University of Maryland in Baltimore
Jan. 19th-University of Michigan in Ann Arbor

I also have interviews at St. Louis University, University of North Carolina and Medical University of South Carolina, but if I get interviews at UIC and Mass Gen, I will be cancelling them.

Oh and far more importantly, I got false eyelashes yesterday! It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Yay Done!

2008-10-10T21:53:33Z

No more sub-i for me! And I managed to escape with good evaluations.

Sweet ass.

And now for storytime...

2008-10-07T22:39:36Z

Sub-i sucks.

The VA sucks harder.

And you know what makes everything worse? A pompous ass as a senior.

The story goes like this. On a medical team, there is the senior resident, interns, sub-i's and medical students. The interns are first year residents and the senior is either a second or third year. On any given patient, there is assigned either a medical student/intern pair or a sub-i/senior resident pair, the logic being that the sub-i is essentially an intern, but without the privilege of having an official signature. Ergo, the senior resident has to sign my orders, my notes and write his/her own notes for billing and medicolegal purposes. The senior does not have to do any of these things when an intern is assigned to the patient because the intern is already a doctor.

My current senior would love it if I did not exist. Then he would get to do his favorite things, like reading BBC, pontificating about the government, medical practice and stupid Americans (he's British), and complaining about how awful the patients, nurses and neurologists are are the VA. If I have patients, he actually has to do work. And this is very vexing to him.

My team is thoroughly overloaded right now, due to the insane call schedule at the VA. (Call is where you admit new patients.) Starting out today, we had fourteen patients, none of whom were going home, and then over the course of today's call, admitted seven more. Twenty one patients might not seem like a lot, but it especially is if you are at the VA and have to micromanage every single order on every single patient.

I currently have two patients, both of whom are basically hanging out for monitoring/procedures. I am completely capable of taking on a third, if not fourth, patient. But does my senior give me patients? Of course not, even though I asked him three different times. Now the team will be at the hospital until god knows when tonight and I'm at home, feeling guilty and impotent. My senior point blank told me that my working meant more work for him, which is why he is not giving me more than two, no matter how uncomplicated those two are. It is fucking ridiculous.

This is not to mention the fact it takes forever to get him to do anything with my patients, other than discharges, because everytime I bring up something with one of them, he takes the next fifteen minutes to complain about how awful the patients are and how he can't believe they were once soldiers.

All I can do is keep my head down, hope that the interns realize that my apparent laziness is completely not my fault and keep telling myself that it's only three more days until I'm done with this shit.

Three more days.